He gives and takes away...

in the past several weeks, we have been excited about the addition of our 4th child to our family. we shared the news first with our family and then some of our closest friends. learning of a new baby is always an emotionally charged experience. the span of emotions is all over the place from excitement to fear to joy back to worry for a variety of reasons. but slowly the idea of having 4 kids began to sink in and become a permanent vision for our future. its amazing how fast you can plan out your future.

so...when you hear words like "i can't find the heartbeat" or "baby is measuring small"...suddenly nothing else matters and your future starts flashing before your eyes. the maternity clothes i had just bought the day before...i won't be needing those. the cozy baby blankets i had gotten a few weeks ago...wont be using those either. imagining the due date...but without the baby. imagining the future without that 4th person. imagining how i'm going to tell my other kids. all these things flashing before me...thoughts of what happens next physically and why this happened. i read a lot of things (too many things) as i googled my way through an overload of information pertaining to miscarriages. one of the things i read that has stuck with me is this idea...that just as much as seeing the positive pregnancy test changes your life in an instant, so does getting the news that there is no longer a heartbeat. 

this is my first experience with unnatural loss. unnatural in the sense that it doesn't follow the life progression...parents shouldn't have to experience the loss of a child. ever. no matter what the age. i do not dare begin to compare the loss of pregnancy with the loss of an aged child. i can't imagine the grief. but i also would've never been able to imagine the grief of losing an unborn child. and after staring at my 3 blonde haired, blue eyed cookie cutter babes, i can't help but imagine if this baby would've been another perfect toe head. now that i know the joy of holding a precious newborn and raising a crazy toddler and laughing at a silly preschooler and growing up with an elementary aged kid...now i know what i'm missing out on. the sting of grief is even stronger because i know what could've been. 

 i know this happens to so many of us. that we lose heartbeats, lives. that it is common. i have known several people who have suffered this kind of loss. but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. no, the pain is profound. and when we feel this pain, when it grips us, statistics mean nothing.

i also am reminded that we never know the whole story. so when you see me playing and laughing with my three kids...you may not see the pain in my heart and you may not know that i cried til my eyes were swollen and my head ached. but the hurt is there. i imagine time will make it better but it wont take it away. i'll hold special dates on the calendar close to my heart that no one else will think of as important...dates that would've represented life and celebration. we just never know what kind of hurts people are masking with smiles and small talk.  it reminds me of the quote that says be nice to everyone, they are fighting a battle you know nothing about.

He gives and takes away, yet my heart will CHOOSE to say, blessed be the name of the LORD. I may not fully emotionally support that statement yet...but i will make an everyday choice to continue to trust and praise God because He is God. regardless of my circumstances. I can't proclaim goodness and blessing only if it goes my way. whatever the path, whatever the road, whatever i am asked to endure...blessed be the name of the Lord.

not sure what my point is in all this writing...but if anything, it was therapeutic to verbalize it. its kind of a taboo subject...never really spoken much about...but there has to be more of us out there that have experienced this kind of loss. i suppose this is why so many people don't tell people they are pregnant until later in their pregnancy, to protect themselves for having to share this grief. but i felt i owed it to myself and to my unborn baby to acknowledge the magnitude of this loss. so,thanks for being my audience.  

suddenly these words have taken on a whole new meaning...

psalm 139

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

I'm a homeschool wanna be.

After months and months of deliberation about our schooling choices for our kindergartner…I think we’ve arrived at a decision…a halfhearted decision, but still a decision.

I’ve written several different blog posts throughout this process but haven’t posted anything because things were constantly changing.

Several months ago I felt led to homeschooling. I wrote about it here…but never posted it. I was actually really excited about this new adventure.

I had my year planned out, field trips in the works, co-ops joined, curriculum all picked out, visions of our days, images of how our schooling area would look, etc.

Then I received confirmation that we had been accepted into a new charter school that I had forgotten that I had even registered for…and suddenly I was back to the drawing board.

I had felt confident with my homeschooling decision until this new charter school opportunity entered the scene.

Honestly I struggle to even write about this because I have so many thoughts and they can’t be contained in this short amount of space.

As of today, we are taking the charter school opportunity and seeing where that road leads us… although, it’s hard for me to put on my happy face and be excited. This isn’t really where I thought we would be…and even though I think it’s a fabulous school and an exciting opportunity for most people…for me it is tainted with sadness because it’s taking the lifestyle I had planned on away from me.

It’s a blurry line…the line between feeling led by God to homeschool and just being plain old sad to send your baby away all day. I honestly can say I strongly felt God pulling me to homeschooling…but now He seems more silent on the subject and I have felt lost on which way to go. Both choices seem great…for us. Most people instantly label me as the crazy lady when they hear the word homeschool. I’m okay with that and was willing to take on the challenge. I don’t know where the future will lead us…but for now I guess I’ll just be the homeschool wanna be mom.

So now I have to set aside all my plans, ideas, lists and so on that I have been collecting for months for homeschooling and put on my happy face for my daughter and act excited about sending her to school. But really I will be fighting back the tears and missing her something fierce every day. I’m praying she will happily go into her class that first day…because I won’t have the strength to be strong enough for the both of us.

While I know this is the beginning of a new era for all of us and many exciting new adventures lie ahead of us…it also symbolizes the ending of an old era. And ohhhh how I wanted that era to never end…the time that I got to spend all my days home with my babies…all of us together. I hate to see myself when I have to send her off to college! One day at a time I guess.

And after sending her to kindergarten, then I have to send to my baby boy to preschool…oh my heart  can hardly handle the emotions. 

 i don't know who will miss her more...me or him...

Let me hold you longer...

It's been a while since I've posted anything...for a lot of reasons...but wanted to share this...

Let Me Hold You Longer

Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts.

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip,
The last night when you woke up crying,
Needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket
Wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me still small enough to hold
The last time when you said you'd marry me when you grew old.

Precious simple moments and bright flashes from your past
Would I have held on longer if I'd known they were your last?
Our last adventure to the park, your final midday nap
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten, last days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League, last colored picture made.
I never said goodbye to all your yesterdays long past
So what about tomorrow? Will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog in that old backyard pond
The last that you ran barefoot across our fresh-cut lawn
Silly, scattered moments and bright flashes from your past
I keep on taking pictures, never quite sure of your last.

The last time that I comb your hair or stop a pillow fight,
The last time that I tuck you in and pray with you at night.
The last time when we cuddled with a book just me and you,
The last time you jump in our bed and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson, the last vacation to the lake
Your last few weeks of middle school, last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days that haven't come to pass
But as I do I sometimes miss today's sweet precious lasts.

The last time that I help you with a math or spelling test
The last time when I shout that "Yes! Your room is still a mess!"
The last time that you need me for a ride from here to there
The last time that you spend the night with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster, stealing precious days that pass
I want to hold on longer, want to recognize your lasts.
The last thing that you need my help with, details of a dance,
And the last time that you asked me for advice about romance.

The last time that you talked to me about your hopes and dreams
The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.
I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning, you'll be going far away
College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way
One last hug, one last goodbye, one quick and hurried kiss,
One last time to understand just how much you'll be missed.

I'll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed
So let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.

a poem by Karen Kingsbury

I would never...

I have a pattern of behavior that looks something like this…I say “I would never …(fill in the blank).” And then a short time later I find myself doing that very thing. You would think I would’ve learned my lesson about making this bold statement…but no, instead I continue to be humbled by this life lesson.

I will start by saying I LOVE school. I have been playing school and pretending to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I loved my teaching job. I love school buildings. I love textbooks and school supplies and papers that are graded and piled neatly. I love lesson planners (not actually planning the lesson, but the finished lesson plan). I love lines of students. I love classrooms. I love school. And for that reason…and many others…I swore I would never homeschool.

God began to lay this idea on my heart in recent months and gave me a fresh new approach to considering the possibility of homeschooling. I rejected the idea at first…but felt God bringing the subject back up to me in various ways time and time again…so I committed to praying about it.

I prayed about a lot of things concerning homeschooling. One thing I was praying for specifically was confirmation, one way or another…and God spoke clearly. Confirmation was given in a variety of forms…via friends, strangers, prayer, scripture, and other random ways…each time leading me to the same conclusion. But with each confirmation, I doubted. Each time I prayed for clear confirmation, I received it…but I would rationalize each confirmation away and then ask for more confirmation.

I have many reasons for homeschooling (as well as a lot of fears that I struggle with that push me to not homeschool)…which I would gladly discuss with anyone interested in talking about it…but basically what it all comes down to for me is this is where I feel God leading us RIGHT NOW. Whether God was leading us to public, private, or homeschool…I want to be where God is leading us. I don’t know why he laid this on my heart or where the journey will take us or how it will end up…but I know I am venturing onto an unknown path to me. Its scary and exciting all at once.  

I have no clue what I am doing. There are many unknowns as I venture into this new regime. I will be learning as I go. And I reserve the right to admit defeat and failure. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time…it might be after one week or one month or maybe one year…I will adjust, adapt, modify and alter (thank you thesaurus) how I educate, teach and parent my children as I go along. My goal will always be for them to be Godly, well rounded, healthy individuals.

I am well aware  that many people will hold differing opinions on education and homeschooling. The beauty of parenting is that I am responsible for my children. And all of my decisions for their health, well being, education, discipline, etc are derived from a place of deep love where my ulitimate goal is to see them succeed in life and be happy doing it! We are allowed to have different view points and different life styles. Its what makes the world go round!

There are a lot of pros and cons to traditional school as well as homeschooling…one of the pros I am excited about is I get to be with my kids all day long. One of the cons is I get to be with my kids all day long.

So when you run into me this fall after school has officially started and I look a little weary and run down…its because I’m with my kids all day long! I willingly accept this new challenge. 

happy birthday!

today we celebrate my husband's birthday. i am thankful for him for so many reasons. God was definitely putting pieces of a puzzle together when he brought us back to each other...not only with our life circumstances but with our personalities. We are very different people for the most part. He is quiet, I am loud. He is patient and slow paced (unless he is participating in a race!), I am always in hurry...even if I have nothing to do. He slows down at yellow lights, I speed up. He is a rule follower, I am a rule breaker. He is an athlete, I  am the cheerleader.  He is a quiet leader, I am blunt and to the point with people. He is active with our kids - running and wrestling with them, I make crafts and cookies. He reads books and books and books, I read facebook. He likes pies, I like cake. He can quote pretty much the whole bible and tell you where anything is located, I can hardly remember the details of Jonah/Noah/Abraham. All of this to say...God knew what I would need. God knew what I lacked...and he completed me by giving me Scott. I am thankful I have someone to calm me down and put things in perspective...someone who is always willing to give me a break and help with the kids and the house. He is a leader by example. There is a quote that says "my father never told me how to live, he just lived and let me watch" ... I am thankful that my children have such an amazing to person to emulate. He is an amazing father in so many ways and all 3 kids adore him. He is an amazing husband, that I often take forgranted. So today, we celebrate his life and another year. 

so...happy birthday to you scott! I am grateful for you...grateful for your self less attitude, your willingness to assist and help in all areas, your dedication to all you do, your desire to please and follow God, your devotion to your family and the things you are passionate about, grateful for your patience with me and the kids (especially me!), your fun silly attitude, your generosity, your faithfulness and your love... and don't be fooled by my poor attitude at the end of each day when you come home...because while the craziness and busyness and exhaustion from the day is what you see...what i feel and think is THANK GOD HE IS HOME AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Happy Birthday to our very own super hero! 

if i could keep you little...

today was my target shopping day. with my kids. target is WAY more fun to shop at when you are alone and can dream of all the possibilities of clothes, organizational ideas, decorating ideas, kids ideas, etc...when i shop there with my kids, i have to keep my head down and focused on my list. i only have a sacred few minutes before the chaos will start and frusteration set in. so as i was nearing the end of my list...which had to have been obvious to everyone because my cart was overflowing with things packed in every possible space (shopping with a baby carrier and accessories is nearly impossible...plus the other children...i need an extra large cart please)...so i was nearing the end, thankful for the cooperative behavior of my children at that point...i spotted a book title on the end of one of the aisles..."if i could keep you little". i didn't have time to look at the book even though the title caught my eye. i HAD to get out of the store (mom's you know what i mean). but the title of that book has been floating in my head all day. if i could keep you little. 

i can't tell you how many times i tell my kids that very thing. they even bring it up sometimes. oh if only i could keep them little. they are precious and innocent. they haven't been beaten down by the world. they see only good and believe in all things. they aren't calloused or hardened by life yet. if i could keep them little...i'd always be able to hold them and cuddle them. i could shield them and protect them. 

i didn't read the book today...but i can pretty much guess how the story ends...they are gonna grow up whether i am ready or not. 

i guess the thing is...thats how it should be for all areas of life. we should always grow. i remember reading a quote by oswald chambers many years ago and it said something to the effect of "growth isn't measured by the fact that you haven't gone backwards, God is constantly calling us to come up higher"...constantly growing, constantly changing, constantly learning, constantly seeking...this principle can be applied to so many areas...for my children as they grow...for my faith as it grows...for my marriage...for my friendships...for my hobbies...all of it should be in a continual state of growth...always trying to be better and seeking more for all of those areas. this is a harsh reminder for me because for the last few years i've felt i've been in a constant state of "survival mode" raising babies. i have not devoted the kind of time to these areas of growth that they are worthy of receiving.

but, if i kept my kids little...i'd miss out on a lot of life's sweet blessings. i'm sure parents of older and grown children could attest to that. so its not that i want to miss out on those phases of life, its just that everyone keeps me telling me these are the best years of my life...and if  these are the best years...then i want to pause them for a while...or at least slow it down and soak it all in. 

so, while i know that they won't be little forever...i am going to enjoy it all now. i'm gonna enjoy the cute way they talk and the funny way certain words sound...and how i don't even want to correct them because its way cuter and sweeter to say it the wrong way. i'm gonna enjoy the way they want to be around us and ask me to hold them because they are tired of walking. 

and as the song goes...i know that "greater things are yet to come"...but i have a feeling that when i look back on my parenting years...these will be the years that are flashing through my mind as i watch them walk down graduation and wedding aisles. so if i had the power to keep them little...you bet i would. 

daddy/daughter dance...he's gonna be a tough guy to replace someday.

dressed up as a bride for halloween...i fear the REAL 

pictures of her becoming a bride are coming way to soon.

thankful this guy is still so little! 

i guess even when you grow up, you can still like superman!

i hope the joy of jumping in puddles never grows old!

why blog?

why blog? i don't have time for it. i'm not a good writer. it makes my life public. lots of reasons not to blog...but here's the thought that keeps coming back to my mind...my life is happening at warp speed. 


everybody tells you how fast it goes by and when you have kids you blink and they are grown...but now i am experiencing it and its scary. babies and kids keep you so busy that you barely have time to soak it in. i often stop and remind myself to soak in a specific moment and let it all sink in...but as hard as i try, the moments are a blur just a few moments later. 


throughout the hussle of the day and the busyness and business of the day - i lose the memories. and all it takes is a glance at a picture from a few years ago and my heart is heavy with sadness at how quickly it has all changed. 


many of the changes have been overwhelmingly joyful...new births, new babies, new friends, new homes. but the transformation of my babies is sometimes too much to bear.


 i tell them often to stop growing...to freeze in time...this is how i want life to forever be. despite all the sleepless nights, meltdowns, tears, and drama - from all of us...this is how i want it to be. they are innocent, they WANT to be with me, they are safely tucked into their beds, we are all together. its not perfect...but its pretty close. 


but they don't freeze...they grow, they change, they learn. my baby girl's hands aren't chubby little toddler hands anymore...they are slender little girl hands. my 2 year old speaks to me in paragraphs instead of just "momma". and my newest babe...weren't you just born? i still find myself telling people i just had a baby...but 5 months later i don't think i'm supposed to use that as my excuse anymore.  


God i love these kids. and my life. and my husband. i love them fiercely and deeply.


 i want to remember it all. but life happens too fast.


 i can't remember...so i will write it down...when i can escape the chaos to capture the memories onto paper. because some day all i will have are the memories of these long tiring days...and i want to remember the details...and my memory is already fleeting...so i will blog. if for no one else but myself...because  i've got all these thoughts. 

my 3 miracles.